I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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