well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
