I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
