Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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