We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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