Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
