Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
