my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
