if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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