Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
