Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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