like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
