just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
