The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
