I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
