I can tuck mytits in my pants
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
