This is not my ceiling
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
