Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
His nipple licking is glorious
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