one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
