FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
