i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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