Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
