slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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