I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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