just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize