cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
