I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
