i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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