So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
