Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
