When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize