I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize