bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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