Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize