I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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