I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
