Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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