I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
