how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
