my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
And then my night got REAL pukey
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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