Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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