Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
