some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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