I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
