Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
