make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
