I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
