Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
