You're my little dorito
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
