I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize