I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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