Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
