cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
